During my last four years in the Navy I got to a place of temporary depression being overworked, overstressed, and reached a state of emotional and mental exhaustion. I lost the belief that I was valued in the organization and my self-worth came into question. There were days that I would drive home from work after a ten hour day before I picked up the kids. I would want to just take a sharp left and drive off the road and I knew when this weird impulse would go through me it was a red flag warning that I was maxed out all the way. When I had these feelings I knew I had no intention to act upon it but it really got me thinking “Wow! Why am I having these impulses? Why is this happening to me?” I had never been in this situation before so it was a personal alarm for me and because the sessions gave me such a new insight to myself I really started paying attention and digging deep. I was able to stay on the emotional highway that went over the mountain instead of traveling the low one that went through the darkest tunnel alone. Then I went on the deployment and was away from my children for those six months. I was absolutely depressed. I was aware of it and knew it was coming before I left but, I would not outwardly go seek your typical professional counseling help. The reason is because I am such an independent proud person that I could not say the words out loud nor was I willing to open up and share with someone else my inner world. Because how could someone else really understand me? I was also not interested in taking any prescribed medication and while they worked for many and I support those that do, I knew that was not the right answer for me. It wasn’t my way. I had that strong knowing and I listened to it. I was also in a position where I was the one that needed to provide help and comfort and understanding for others. I would have to talk myself out of bed every morning and it took all my energy to actually move to get dressed, walk out the door and put my “got it together” mask on. I felt like I was walking through mud every day and even doing the simplest things required a lot of mental energy to do them and I had never experienced that before. When I returned home the stress didn’t stop, the environment didn’t change and I honestly was just surviving the rest of that tour.
I had been told when I was young that I was prone to alcoholism and depression because of my family history. I’m very fortunate that I did not fall into the cycle of alcoholism, there were times it would have been so easy to and many do use it as their way to cope. However, the new depression experience was right at my door and what kept me from falling into an actual full deep depression was my personal connection. I scheduled multiple sessions with a repeatedly proven true medium, Pamela Theresa, Medium in the Raw. Through her, my team of people on the other side gave me a new understanding of myself, a new excitement about my life direction and real purpose that gave me faith that there was so much more to me than who I was in those dark years in my life. All this without having to explain myself to her which was a huge relief.
The only thing that kept me from having a complete emotional and mental break down during those years was my personal understanding and knowing of daily experiencing a literal connection with my people on the other side outside of our sessions. The connection with spirit and chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate! Poki sticks and dark chocolate covered almonds to be exact. The key elements of change were the specific direction from my grandma on the other side, the breadcrumb trail Pamela educated me on and then the experience with my people I continued to have without her. It was my team of people and me. It doesn’t get more private than that! The entire time I was going through these struggles I was building a relationship with them. I was building trust and awareness of them and they gave me a lift in my heart and my soul that carried me through those hard times unlike anything else out there. The connection gave me hope and courage and purpose well beyond anything I read in books or I’ve ever known.
I found a solution that had practical application in my daily life without prescription medication without the need of anyone else other than trusting myself and the team of people in spirit I have always had with me. I came to trust the realness that they are always there supporting me. The internal sacred knowing and strength that comes with that relationship is SO POWERFUL that even today when I feel my weakest and self doubt creeps in, I am reminded by my team there is nothing I can’t do and there is nothing I can’t survive when I listen, trust them and myself. Happiness is not my goal. That would regularly lead to disappointment as life happens. My goal is to be grounded through trust and connection in the painful experiences, build constructive wisdom and then be capable of finding my new self again on the other side of the experience. I found the ability to do this by working through the guidance. I know there are others like me unable to open up but need an inner lift to keep them from falling too far into the pain and darkness. I am so grateful to have been able to find this unique way personally for myself because without question I was able to tiptoe over the roughest waters in my life. In no uncertain words it saved me, all of me.