A MILITARY RETIREMENT EXPERIENCE, THE GRIEF
-Part 1-
Lived by
AWOCS(NAC/AW)Retired Anjenelle Kelly, USN
AWOCS(NAC/AW)Retired Anjenelle Kelly, USN
BLUF: RETIRING FROM THE MILITARY IS A PROCESS OF GRIEF. KNOW IT OR SUFFER THROUGH IT.
DISCLAIMER: I wrote this in pieces during the months following my last day in the Navy, June 30th, 2019. It is fragmented and does not always flow well because I was fragmented as I rode the roller coaster of highs and lows. This was my journey of letting go and as every career and experience is as unique as the individual serving, it does not speak to or for all those who have served. I am not a doctor or licensed therapist. Go see one if you need to. I did not see combat action and I do not endure PTSD. I share my story for those who find the words powerful as I am able to put my emotions on paper. My hope is that this is shared with every Military Retiree so they know they aren’t alone in experiencing the inner TUG OF WAR and don’t get lost in the current of MASSIVE LIFE CHANGE AND GRIEF.
THE PROCESS. Retirement seems like a simple word but when it is in direct relation to you, it holds a lot of power. The personal process is not as streamlined as the administrative. You do the paperwork and they process you out after a couple medical appointments. The paycheck routinely comes a month after your last day. The inner process is totally different and takes a long time to actually start sinking in. It is definitely not overnight and five months later it’s still an adjustment to accept the new norm. Hearing the word “retirement” was starting to feel like I was over, done, finished. I had to catch myself from internalizing that because really my new life was just beginning. Well, not without first completing a solid two month “pity party” spent pouting without makeup and not getting out of my comfy “work out” clothes (although none of that muscle action was happening).
THE LAST SIX MONTHS I worked on active duty I was worthless and unable to focus or put energy into things. It mentally felt like being in an odd limbo world frozen in time because I emotionally wanted to help and do, but mentally it was NOT happening. I started to step back and in my mind I constantly punished myself. I was able to influence decision making as more of a consultant on matters but did not put my own time and energy into the projects. It was a major shift in my mode of operation and definition of being a valuable contributor. Having been quick to volunteer and take on projects most of my career I was consciously taking myself out of the game and it hurt my personal pride. That was not who I was. Not only did I have a difficult time focusing, I couldn’t remember anything technical or helpful at that point. The massive data dump of detaching had begun and I didn’t have control over it. Like watching the mile apart train wreck slowly happen, my last day of working on active duty April 10th, 2019 was approaching more rapidly than I expected. I knew it was going to happen two years prior when I had put my Fleet Reserve Request in. As the day on the traditional white board countdown approached, my inner tug of war intensified. I LOVE to work! It was my choice to retire, I had six more years before I would reach high year tenure HYT. I made the conscious decision to jump off the Navy Career bullet train. So why the hell was it SO DAMN HARD?!!!!!
NOT SIMPLE ANYMORE. In the Chief's Mess we pride ourselves on keeping complex, dynamic projects as simple as possible while many in the ranks try to overcomplicate things. I found that simple things become difficult when I ordered my shadow box. I counted my number of awards at least twelve times during the last year as I reviewed my record obsessively making sure it was accurate for my DD214. When it came time to order my shadow box I got the number of stars on my ribbon bar wrong even though I had counted and visually checked before clicking that checkout bar. Apparently my mind at that point was unable to calculate to five correctly. I didn’t notice this mistake until I went to hang it in my office a MONTH AFTER the ceremony! Hilariously ridiculous I laughed at myself for a good 30 minutes but, I mention this for it is a great example of what happens to us as we go through a big transition. Yes, I still need to fix it.
A wise Captain and Naval Academy Graduate(who loved wearing his Letterman Sweater in uniform on Army vs Navy game days) passed down a phrase I will never forget. He explained, “The Navy is a cold mistress. While you are serving her she loves you and when you are done serving she leaves you.” When you wear the uniform you are part of it and once you take it off, you really aren't. You are in the fan stands, not on the field.
INTERNAL TUG OF WAR. Have you ever watched the sand fall on a time hourglass? It creates anxiety and is a chest tightening escalating experience. Just the process of it. Try it and you will know the feeling leading up to your last retirement paycheck. Moments of personal doubt that are said in a mini panic of “OMG I should not be retiring I should be staying in. What am I doing?” I remember the days when I was totally fine and then the guys that worked for me would start talking to me about my retirement and they asked the usual questions of “Are you excited? What are you gonna be doing? I’m so jealous!” I would reply yes, it’s great I am so excited…but also explaining that it was going to be weird. Then I would go home for lunch not planning on returning, feeling fine. I would be standing in the kitchen in front of the refrigerator and then out of nowhere a wave of emotions just floods in uncontrollably and I would sob for a minute or two, wipe the tears and continue with my day. This would happen randomly during the last four months. I am NOT a crier. Many don’t sleep, make simple things hard to keep up that overcharged pace, drink large quantities or cope in any way they can. Average tasks seem overwhelming, nothing makes sense. You start feeling out of sorts and in a very palpable way, LOST. I experienced all of this while also attempting to maintain the same in control cool, calm, and collected, persona on the outside.
ROCKING CHAIR MOMENTS. Yes like life, when you get to the end of your career you reflect and you start to question and weigh the value of your impact. Did my service really matter all that much? Yes, No. I came to understand that the people I personally worked with and my immediate family are the only ones really aware of what I did other than me. I am the only one who knows the whole story of my career. I carry that with me for the rest of my life. I alone remember the time given, emotional mental and physical exhaustion, the number of times doing the extra and going well beyond the average expectation. I alone know all of my personal shortcomings and moments of stress, anxiety, fear, cowardice, selfishness, dropped balls, and mismanagement. It is like plugging in a lost photo SD Card you had at the bottom of a box. A discovery of old memories and moments forgotten in the chaos of the grind. The pride and the shame accumulated during 20 years I put in a beautiful shadow box and hung it on my wall.
GOING OFF AUTO PILOT. In my last year of daily putting on the uniform I agreed with a Master Chief retiring before me that year as he put the perfect words describing what I was feeling in the air. In a casual venting in the Mess he expressed that it was “completely anti-climatic.” It really was. As time kept rolling I found it hard to accept that the amazing career and climax never met the dream. We just assume that when we get to the top or the end we are going to feel the grandeur or whatever vision you might have had of mythical unicorns with rainbows shooting out their behinds or you being hoisted up on a shoulder with the crowd swarming you like you won the World Series. In reality we do a job. We climb the ladder. Eventually we all expire from service. We all know this but we get so wrapped up in the daily grind we avoid it. Every hurdle is laid out for us to jump. Like clockwork we can map out 30 years of life like a well planned railroad track with a few built in direction switches along the way. Military service really can be that predictable and it is quite the opposite for the civilian life which has no externally dictated roadmap. This makes it a massive adjustment. UNPREDICTABILITY EQUALS UNEASINESS which is rooted in FEAR, something I was not accustomed to feeling. I was on full time AUTO PILOT for my CAREER AND LIFE. No energy had to be used to figure out what was next.
THE CEREMONY. Retiring did give me an opportunity to start to dream again and really relook at how I viewed my worth and purpose. When you realize that retiring at age 40 gives you about 20 good years on average before health starts to become a factor it makes you pause. I know the twenty year span of time well. The days are long but the years are short and as you complete tours with 3-5 years placing time into large chunks the sand in the glass falls at a rapid pace. Sitting here in reflection is like being in three places at once, a moment of inner time travel. I can still see my reflection in the boot camp barracks mirror on picture day with my un-plucked bushy eyebrows and slender face. In an instant it is twenty years later and I am doing my final lipstick check noticing the crows feet that now frame my eyes before my retirement ceremony begins. Two glances in the mirror that capture twenty years of time.
If you want to skim through don’t miss DEATHLESS DEATH, YOUR SHADOW TWIN, and KNOW THYSELF coming in Part 2.
DISCLAIMER: I wrote this in pieces during the months following my last day in the Navy, June 30th, 2019. It is fragmented and does not always flow well because I was fragmented as I rode the roller coaster of highs and lows. This was my journey of letting go and as every career and experience is as unique as the individual serving, it does not speak to or for all those who have served. I am not a doctor or licensed therapist. Go see one if you need to. I did not see combat action and I do not endure PTSD. I share my story for those who find the words powerful as I am able to put my emotions on paper. My hope is that this is shared with every Military Retiree so they know they aren’t alone in experiencing the inner TUG OF WAR and don’t get lost in the current of MASSIVE LIFE CHANGE AND GRIEF.
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IT IS NOT ALL GOOD. I am not as elated and happy as one would expect. I had assumed wrong all the years of brief casual conversations with those who went through the retirement process before me. They would return to attend a retirement ceremony or promotion event usually wearing an earring, definitely a beard and some with long hair. All look at least 5-10 years younger only having been retired for as little as three months. It is the release of the weight of over responsibility and the mental, physical and emotional tugging strings tied to their entire way of being. I know now that they didn’t all share the internal process they went through. In all fairness how the hell could any of us still on active duty even understand the change? Finding the words is difficult just like writing your retirement ceremony speech. Staring at a blank page trying to capture 20 to 30 years. It is an impossible task but we all do the best we can in OUR OWN WAY. Mine ended up being 30 minutes too long, and there was still so much I didn’t say.
THE LAST SIX MONTHS I worked on active duty I was worthless and unable to focus or put energy into things. It mentally felt like being in an odd limbo world frozen in time because I emotionally wanted to help and do, but mentally it was NOT happening. I started to step back and in my mind I constantly punished myself. I was able to influence decision making as more of a consultant on matters but did not put my own time and energy into the projects. It was a major shift in my mode of operation and definition of being a valuable contributor. Having been quick to volunteer and take on projects most of my career I was consciously taking myself out of the game and it hurt my personal pride. That was not who I was. Not only did I have a difficult time focusing, I couldn’t remember anything technical or helpful at that point. The massive data dump of detaching had begun and I didn’t have control over it. Like watching the mile apart train wreck slowly happen, my last day of working on active duty April 10th, 2019 was approaching more rapidly than I expected. I knew it was going to happen two years prior when I had put my Fleet Reserve Request in. As the day on the traditional white board countdown approached, my inner tug of war intensified. I LOVE to work! It was my choice to retire, I had six more years before I would reach high year tenure HYT. I made the conscious decision to jump off the Navy Career bullet train. So why the hell was it SO DAMN HARD?!!!!!
NOT SIMPLE ANYMORE. In the Chief's Mess we pride ourselves on keeping complex, dynamic projects as simple as possible while many in the ranks try to overcomplicate things. I found that simple things become difficult when I ordered my shadow box. I counted my number of awards at least twelve times during the last year as I reviewed my record obsessively making sure it was accurate for my DD214. When it came time to order my shadow box I got the number of stars on my ribbon bar wrong even though I had counted and visually checked before clicking that checkout bar. Apparently my mind at that point was unable to calculate to five correctly. I didn’t notice this mistake until I went to hang it in my office a MONTH AFTER the ceremony! Hilariously ridiculous I laughed at myself for a good 30 minutes but, I mention this for it is a great example of what happens to us as we go through a big transition. Yes, I still need to fix it.
A wise Captain and Naval Academy Graduate(who loved wearing his Letterman Sweater in uniform on Army vs Navy game days) passed down a phrase I will never forget. He explained, “The Navy is a cold mistress. While you are serving her she loves you and when you are done serving she leaves you.” When you wear the uniform you are part of it and once you take it off, you really aren't. You are in the fan stands, not on the field.
INTERNAL TUG OF WAR. Have you ever watched the sand fall on a time hourglass? It creates anxiety and is a chest tightening escalating experience. Just the process of it. Try it and you will know the feeling leading up to your last retirement paycheck. Moments of personal doubt that are said in a mini panic of “OMG I should not be retiring I should be staying in. What am I doing?” I remember the days when I was totally fine and then the guys that worked for me would start talking to me about my retirement and they asked the usual questions of “Are you excited? What are you gonna be doing? I’m so jealous!” I would reply yes, it’s great I am so excited…but also explaining that it was going to be weird. Then I would go home for lunch not planning on returning, feeling fine. I would be standing in the kitchen in front of the refrigerator and then out of nowhere a wave of emotions just floods in uncontrollably and I would sob for a minute or two, wipe the tears and continue with my day. This would happen randomly during the last four months. I am NOT a crier. Many don’t sleep, make simple things hard to keep up that overcharged pace, drink large quantities or cope in any way they can. Average tasks seem overwhelming, nothing makes sense. You start feeling out of sorts and in a very palpable way, LOST. I experienced all of this while also attempting to maintain the same in control cool, calm, and collected, persona on the outside.
ROCKING CHAIR MOMENTS. Yes like life, when you get to the end of your career you reflect and you start to question and weigh the value of your impact. Did my service really matter all that much? Yes, No. I came to understand that the people I personally worked with and my immediate family are the only ones really aware of what I did other than me. I am the only one who knows the whole story of my career. I carry that with me for the rest of my life. I alone remember the time given, emotional mental and physical exhaustion, the number of times doing the extra and going well beyond the average expectation. I alone know all of my personal shortcomings and moments of stress, anxiety, fear, cowardice, selfishness, dropped balls, and mismanagement. It is like plugging in a lost photo SD Card you had at the bottom of a box. A discovery of old memories and moments forgotten in the chaos of the grind. The pride and the shame accumulated during 20 years I put in a beautiful shadow box and hung it on my wall.
GOING OFF AUTO PILOT. In my last year of daily putting on the uniform I agreed with a Master Chief retiring before me that year as he put the perfect words describing what I was feeling in the air. In a casual venting in the Mess he expressed that it was “completely anti-climatic.” It really was. As time kept rolling I found it hard to accept that the amazing career and climax never met the dream. We just assume that when we get to the top or the end we are going to feel the grandeur or whatever vision you might have had of mythical unicorns with rainbows shooting out their behinds or you being hoisted up on a shoulder with the crowd swarming you like you won the World Series. In reality we do a job. We climb the ladder. Eventually we all expire from service. We all know this but we get so wrapped up in the daily grind we avoid it. Every hurdle is laid out for us to jump. Like clockwork we can map out 30 years of life like a well planned railroad track with a few built in direction switches along the way. Military service really can be that predictable and it is quite the opposite for the civilian life which has no externally dictated roadmap. This makes it a massive adjustment. UNPREDICTABILITY EQUALS UNEASINESS which is rooted in FEAR, something I was not accustomed to feeling. I was on full time AUTO PILOT for my CAREER AND LIFE. No energy had to be used to figure out what was next.
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2...