Written By AWOCS (NAC/AW) Retired Anjenelle Kelly
"After standing in the closet trying to let go."
Over time as you pack them across the world they will change as you do. Sometimes by size as the weight is heavy and the mighty desk takes hold with a tight grip. That is when you will wear your black Eisenhower jacket to cover up the half zipped pants zipper and bulging shirt buttons and strained belt. Many of us have been there. When you look in the mirror that day shaming yourself you will be reminded that you always put yourself last. They will smell of your sweat, your inner collar will turn dingy because you will be constantly living the reality of personal overtime well beyond 24/7. They will definitely soak up some cups of coffee spilled from your Mess mug with your Chief name on it. They will carry stains on your shoulder from your Sailors experiencing loss for the first time. The 75% polyester 25% wool blend will absorb your own tears when you lose a brother or sister in the Mess to a motorcycle accident, medical condition, or their own hand. The stains that made me most proud and happy to see on my left shoulder were from carrying my small children as I dropped and picked them up from care. Those tears, snot stains and cookie crumbles I called my mommy ribbons, and were more valuable to me than any ribbon I wore on the rack on my left chest. The slacks will still have shadows of the ever present hip flexor creases from sitting far too long as the inbox piles up and the networking and problem solving time on the phone talking to all corners of the world never ceases. They will have diagonal creases across your back over the three standard vertical you continue to press in. The diagonal creases come from leaning back in your chair as you anchor yourself by closing your eyes and take a long deep breath in as the chronic stress and daily rhythm of chaos continues to swirl around you. No matter how many times you will iron them out they will be back the next day as they are inescapable. Even if you avoid the desk there will be times in your car before going into work where you will have to coach yourself up off the bench because you know there will be surprises thrown at you as soon as you walk in the doors. Even more frequently you will be sitting in the parking lot or driveway of your house with the music blaring letting out a few growls after what felt like the longest day, emotionally and mentally wrecked just surviving on adrenaline and coffee. Pulling yourself together and getting a grip so you can flip the switch and go into family mode. Maybe yours will be worn from the can of dip, your lighter, your wallet, your ID card from checking your email too many times or the many heavy coins you will carry clinking around as they wait for the necessary moment to be presented with a handshake. Those moments will give you a great lift and you will remember the goodness that comes from being The Chief.
Wearing khakis is when everything starts becoming very real. The sacrifice, the true dedication and service, the complication of politics, the struggle of loyalty, the question of your honor. Not just values defined but lived and questioned daily not just by all around you but, within yourself. The greatest battle and confrontation you will ever have is all within yourself. The one person you cannot escape no matter the amount of distraction or work you pile on yourself. While the conflict and resistance appears to be coming from the outside when you really start to look in the mirror you will find you own all of it. Have the real quiet courage to take a deep dive inward by taking honest accountability for yourself in every way, especially the places you have been avoiding. They are your greatest tells. Your external adversaries and conflicts are your greatest teachers and if you take the time you will discover great wisdom in the lessons they taught you but it takes true grit to go to that place alone. While khakis are all made of the same fabric we all wear and carry ourselves in them differently as we move through the roles we play. Same, same but different.
Know how you cope. This is the time to get real with yourself. What is your stress reaction cycle? Mine was to stop working out, stop eating healthy, increasing the added espresso shots and chocolate intake and staying later and later. Twenty pounds later and and a larger set of khakis (I had just about every size made), the self talk record player would become increasingly negative and the fear of failure, avoidance of shame and the guilt of early and frequent success would increase and in some moments it became paralyzing. In many ways instead of becoming the super hero we all expect of ourselves I was more like a duck on the water calm on the surface but exhausting itself to stay afloat. I would never allow myself to do less. I always did more often forcing a smile. I often wonder if the ripples I created that affected all of those in my charge were from strength or the constant fear and self doubt I struggled with. Was I weak? No. I was a human pushing past more.
Know your personal triggers. The moments when you find yourself reacting unequal to the situation or surroundings. Sometimes a delayed reaction that affects you the days following. We all carry traumatic experiences with us. No matter the size or intensity they affect us in every way we experience our everyday events. So many moments of asking myself “What is wrong with me? Why do I care so much? Why can’t I just let it go? Why did a certain person or word spoken, situation or place create such an extreme reaction?” I’ve discovered that forgotten past traumas can repeat in undercover ways as they play out in the dynamic military organization we are married to. They occur if you are aware of them or not. They will impact you as a leader whether you are aware of them or not. It is empowering to identify them.
Write a list of celebratory moments. Make a short bulleted list of proud great moments you can celebrate yourself in. This list will be incredibly important to have quickly accessible on your cell phone or Google Drive. When the moments of doubt or fear creep in you need to quickly read through them and be reminded of how capable and accomplished you are. It has baffled me that I am able to do so much and so quickly forget all of it when I am in the thick of it. You will need this list later when you retire, and turn around to face the world alone. Almost instantly you will forget how capable and incredible you are. You will need to see the list of evidence to remind you.
Your day will come as we all expire from service, what shape will your khakis be in? What emotional and mental state will you be in when you go ashore for the final time? When you take those khakis off will you know and like the person in the mirror? Will you be able to reflect on the amazing accomplishments and ability you came to know you have? Maybe you will be trapped by failures and rank robbed from you because of timing, politics, or self sabotage. Remember the time capsule will tell your story. There are two novels written in every moment we experience; the proud respected external one that everyone sees and the second, the internal hidden one which is far more palpable and powerful. What story will your worn khakis tell? What will you see while standing alone in the closet holding a piece of your identity and past? Write your story well, Chief.